Sarasota Golf Net Jokes

A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on.
She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "honey,
what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?"

The husband looks up and replies, "no, I'm fine. I'm just practicing."

The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "practicing? Practicing for what?"

Then the husband says, "golf season starts tomorrow!"

 The Golfer's Hymn - "There Is A Green Hill Far Away"

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded..."I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and he Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, 

"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Three very religious Rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71

He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple services, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a Jewish temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life as a converted Jew.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. Heshoots a 108 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I became Jewish, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy 108."

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom Temple ".

The Rabbi retorted, ..."No No No! That one's for tennis!!"

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet. It goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet, looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically: "I guess all those $%#*** lessons I took this winter didn't help." 

One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."


"I got a set of golf clubs for my husband, and I must say: It was a damn good trade!"

A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."